The source of addictions and the frequent cause of relapses
The Secret Power of Shame
Though Bill W. was unaware of the power of shame, he was nevertheless a victim of it. No where in the first 164 pages of the Big Book is shame mentioned, but it is a pernicious presence that research has concluded is the source of our addictions and the frequent cause of relapses.
Shame is hate turned inward. It’s the factory of our character defects. It drives our suffering. Yet, very few of us know this. It’s a secret even to ourselves. By becoming aware of our shame, we can greatly reduce the suffering it inflicts on us.
Sources of Shame
Shame is universal. Its seeds are sown in childhood. Whenever we are powerless to deflect another’s hate—whether in the form of verbal, physical, or sexual abuse—it becomes internalized deep within as shame. “We believe we ‘should have’ been able to defend ourselves. And because we weren’t able to do so, we feel helpless and powerless,” according to Beverly Engle, in her article “How Compassion Can Heal Shame from Childhood,” published in Psychology Today.
“This powerlessness causes us to feel humiliated—which leads to shame,” Engle says.
Shame can result from any situation that causes us to feel shunned by others. It can also be the by-product of regret, especially after hurting a loved one. If we fail to make amends to that person, regret often converts to shame... Shame is the father of our character defects—resentment, selfishness, and unworthiness being its children.
“If you can name it, you can tame it.”
Mark Brackett of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, says labeling our emotions is key to their treatment. “If you can name it, you can tame it.”
Shame Versus Guilt
Shame is often confused with guilt. Brene Brown, a professor of research at the University of Houston, makes a critical distinction: “Guilt is I did something bad. Shame is I am something bad.” Guilt focuses on the behavior; shame focuses on the person. Brown’s research finds a high correlation between shame and addiction but virtually none between guilt and addiction.
Good News
We don’t have to remain shame sufferers. Recent scientific breakthroughs reveal that the brain has a nearly endless capacity to rewire itself. “Due to what we now know about the neural plasticity of the brain—the capacity of our brains to grow new neurons and new synaptic connections—we can proactively repair (and re-pair) the old shame memory with new experiences of self-empathy and self-compassion,” Engle says.
